QUESTION: I have been to a couple of Jewish funerals here recently. At one, flowers were put on the grave, but on another they were not. But I have also seen pictures of wreaths on graves in Israel. So what is the correct practice?
Rabbi Naftali Brawer:The question of placing flowers on graves does not come up in the classic codes of Jewish law. However, it does arise in the 19th- and 20th-century halachic responsa literature, and the consensus is that it is not permitted.
The reasons range widely. Decorating graves with flowers undermines the egalitarian value that rich and poor, at least in death, are treated equally. If flowers were allowed, the rich would outdo the poor. Secondly, the frivolity associated with flowers is inconsistent with the belief that, in the world of truth, the departed is standing in judgement.
Thirdly, it is a violation of ba’al tashchit, the prohibition against unnecessary waste, since the flowers serve no useful purpose. Fourthly, there is a specific prohibition against deriving any benefit from articles designated for the burial. This would include flowers, which give off a pleasant scent.
On closer inspection, none of these reasons stand up to scrutiny. It is hard to see why flowers should be prohibited on the grounds of egalitarianism, when the rich are free to erect expensive gravestones, not to mention reserve expensive plots in the most exclusive parts of a cemetery. Similarly, it is hard to see why flowers are any less consistent with celestial judgement than decorative tombstones, hedges, or the small coloured stones that are frequently left at gravesite after a visit.
It is quite a stretch to assert flowers left at a grave serve no purpose. Those who carefully choose them would argue they serve a very important purpose: to honour the memory of a loved one. And the issue of benefiting from articles designated for burial would apply only to flowers placed on a fresh grave, not to flowers left months on.
One reason, however, is highlighted by every source: that is, placing flowers at a grave is a violation of chukkat hagoy, an imitation of non-Jewish practices. Chukkat hagoy is a rather nebulous concept. It can be restricted to non-Jewish practices that involve worship or expanded to include all sorts of cultural behaviours. That these modern halachists appeal to an expansive notion of chukkat hagoy to prohibit flowers speaks volumes about the threat of assimilation in a post-enlightenment society. A reality that did not exist in the same way for earlier halachists, and to a large extent, does not feature in contemporary Israel with its large Jewish majority.
Naftali Brawer ischief executive of Spiritual Capital Foundation
Rabbi Romain: This is a good example of how one often hears a co-religionist saying adamantly “Jews don’t do that”, when what they should say is “Some Jews don’t do that and some do”. For despite us having a common identity, there is much diversity, from Chasidic to Mitnagdic, from Ashkenazi to Sephardi, from Progressive to Orthodox, from Newcastle shuls to Cornwall communities.
Think of those who do or do not eat peas at Pesach, those synagogues that open or close their car parks on Shabbat, those who opt for burial or cremation, those who sit when reciting the Shema and those who stand for it.
The same applies to flowers at a funeral. In A Guide to Life, which was sanctioned by two United Synagogue Chief Rabbis, Rabbi Harry Rabinowicz writes: “Flowers played an important part in the idolatrous rites of many ancient peoples… The placing of flowers on the grave is therefore regarded as chukkat hagoy (pagan custom) and is discouraged by Orthodox rabbinic authorities.”
There were others who also banned it because of comparisons to the Church and its use of flowers.
However, no one who takes flowers to a funeral today does so in imitation of pagans or Christians, but as part of a common cultural expression. We also have the specific Jewish ritual of placing a stone on the grave, but the one does not preclude the other.
Flowers are meaningful for several different reasons: they add colour to a bleak occasion; they remind of the life that those present still do have and should make the most of; they provide mourners a chance to do something at the very moment when they feel most impotent — selecting flowers, taking them along, bending down to put them alongside the grave.
They also give friends of the mourners a way showing they care, a means of expressing deep feelings when words seem inadequate. The advertising slogan once used by Interflora, “Say it with flowers”, brilliantly encapsulates why flowers can be so useful.
Flowers are a perfectly legitimate Jewish option and what is key is for the family to give a clear signal as to whether they are wanted and to what extent: “Yes, that would be lovely or no thanks, it’s not our tradition or we’re just doing flowers from the family, so please make a donation instead to his/her favourite charity.”
Jonathan Romainis rabbi atMaidenhead (Reform) Synagogue
FAQs
The placing of flowers on the grave is therefore regarded as chukkat hagoy (pagan custom) and is discouraged by Orthodox rabbinic authorities.”
Can you put flowers on a Jewish grave? ›
It is not customary in Judaism to leave flowers at a grave after visiting. It is believed to be more appropriate to give money to charity that could otherwise be spent on flowers. In addition – cut flowers eventually die, but stones are enduring and do not die.
What are the rules for Jewish gravestones? ›
Monument inscriptions: Ashkenazim engrave the Jewish name of the deceased and his or her father's name on the gravestone, but the prevalent custom among Sephardim is to write the Jewish name of the deceased and his or her mother's name instead. Some only write the Jewish name of the deceased and the family name.
Are flowers appropriate for a Jewish death? ›
Many people want to know if you send flowers to a Jewish funeral, but, in fact, flowers are not appropriate. Instead, donations are encouraged as a tribute to the deceased – often to a charity of the family's choosing. Food, preferably kosher, is also welcomed.
What can you leave on a Jewish grave? ›
If you walk past a Jewish cemetery, you'll notice small pebbles or even large stones piled on top of or beside grave or burial markers. Leaving stones brings comfort to people who lost their loved ones.
What do you put on a Jewish grave? ›
Leaving stones or pebbles on a grave is an ancient Jewish tradition, but its origins are unclear. It is not a commandment, rather a custom or tradition. Over time, many different interpretations have been offered for this practice.
What are the rules for Jewish burial? ›
Jewish law requires that the body, in its entirety, be returned to the earth. For this reason, cremation, autopsies and embalming are forbidden. The natural process of decomposition must occur so that the body can reunite with the soil from which it was formed.
Can Jews be cremated? ›
Jewish law mandates that human remains be buried after death, and this has been dominant Jewish practice for millennia. through the later rabbinic authorities attest to this requirement, and there is a powerful taboo against cremation reinforced by the millions of Jews burned in Nazi crematoria during the Holocaust.
Can a woman wear pants to a Jewish funeral? ›
Women are no longer restricted to solely dresses and skirts. Instead, it's acceptable to opt for a trouser suit (although, it has to be said that dresses remain more popular). Lighter colors are also worn, although plain as opposed to patterned continues to be more usual.
What do you give a Jewish family when someone dies? ›
Food Shiva Gifts
Not only is food an important part of Jewish funeral traditions, but a gift of food allows the family to focus on their grieving without a need to cook during shiva.
Eating and drinking is not permitted anywhere in the confines of the cemetery, you must dress appropriately (nothing flashy or revealing), you should not carry a Torah into the cemetery and you are not allowed to step over or sit on the gravestone that directly covers a grave.
Why put a rock on a Jewish grave? ›
Ancient Jews believed that placing the stone on a grave would keep the soul down in this world. Some people find comfort in this. Another interpretation leaning more toward superstition, suggests the opposite, that the stones can keep evil spirits, demons and golems from getting into the graves.
What do you wear to a Jewish cemetery? ›
These days, however, it is quite acceptable to wear slacks and a blazer or sport coat instead of a suit, to omit the tie, or to opt for a collared golf shirt in place of a dress shirt or button-down. Colors are still usually subdued, but are no longer limited to black, gray and navy.
What is the Jewish tradition on graves? ›
During the times of the Temple in Jerusalem, Jewish priests (kohanim) became ritually impure if they came within four feet of a corpse. As a result, Jews began marking graves with piles of rocks in order to indicate to passing kohanim that they should stay back.
Is it okay to put flowers on a grave? ›
While there are many items you can leave on a gravesite, some of the most popular that almost every cemetery allows are: Flowers- While every cemetery will have its own regulations about flowers, generally speaking fresh and silk arrangements are permitted.
What is appropriate to send for a Jewish death? ›
Appropriate gifts include flowers, a donation to a charity (oftentimes the family will have a preferred charity), food or a service. You can send your gift to the family's home or the funeral home. Please ensure you include a signed card with your gift so the family knows who sent it.
What are the Jewish traditions for death burial and mourning? ›
Jewish funeral traditions
The body is not embalmed, but is prepared according to a specific ritual and wrapped in a plain shroud. Funerals happen as quickly as possible, but not on the Sabbath or festivals. The casket is usually quite simple and unadorned, and remains closed.
