Are You Still in Love or Is It a Marriage of Convenience? (2024)

A marriage of convenience is just that: a convenient union that lacks the intimacy and connection of a traditional marriage. This type of relationship may work effectively for many reasons. Some cultures value and prefer convenient marriages over love matches, while others find these marriages less satisfying or outright unacceptable.

How does one enter into a marriage of convenience? These partnerships may be strategically formed in response to goals based on social status, family pressure, political alliances, or legal purposes. They may also be entered for social acceptance, as in some cultures, there's a judgment against those who are unmarried by a certain age.

It is also possible for a romantic marriage to transition into one of convenience if you havefallen out of love. In these cases, you and your S.O. stay together because it is easier than separating. Whatever the reason, the motivation isn't rooted in romantic love or emotional intimacy.

If you’re wondering whether your marriage is one of convenience or one of love and intimacy, this guide will help you recognize the signs. Along the way, we will share expert advice on how to cope with relationship changes and determine if you should stay or go.

Signs You’re in a Marriage of Convenience

No relationship stays the same—it's normal for connections to ebb and flow, says Jessica Montague, LCSW, psychotherapist and co-founder of Relatable. You may have a passionate love that fades out to comfort and security. Or, a steady and reliable connection that gained passion over time.

Either of these relationships can work as long as both partners are satisfied. However, if you findyourself increasingly unhappy and discontentwith these new changes, it may be a sign to reassess the relationship.

Below, we examine the top indicators that your marriage may not be aligned with your highest self.

You’re Only Staying Due to Pressure

"I have heard from clients so many times that there is real pressure to stay in marriages of convenience," says psychotherapist Genny Finkel LCSW. "There can be an internal pressure [to] not make one's life harder, or disrupt something that is working, even if it's not fully satisfying." She adds that the opinions of your family and loved ones can make it harder to leave.

If you are unable to break out of the conditioning of societal expectations, you may deprioritize your own happiness and stay in a relationship you're not meant for.

Montague says when you’re in love for authentic reasons, you'll want to share your life with your partner because they make your life better. If you would end the relationship if all external pressures were removed, it’s a strong sign that you’re in a marriage of convenience.

You Don’t Want to Spend Quality Time Together

Naturally, you and your partner share life activities and responsibilities, but when it comes down to it, do you know and explore each other’s values, preferences, and dreams?If conversations are limited to matters like work, household maintenance, or practical topics without any reflection or emotional connection, that may be a sign the relationship is lacking emotional intimacy.

You don't have to do all of the same things together, but there should be a desire to hang out because you enjoy each other's company and feel emotionally seen. If you're bonding primarily through obligations, responsibilities, and the logistics of managing a full life to the point where you're barely connecting, it could signal challenges affecting the relationship's depth.

"Spending quality time together or having similar hobbies builds connection in a relationship," Finkel says. "If you're not spending enjoyable time together, the odds are you're not maintaining a strong bond."

Everything Is "Just Fine"

Having a nice partner who hits most of your checkboxes is wonderful, but a deep and meaningful connection can offer even more. At its best, a relationship aligned with your deepest values and truths can inspire you to feel fulfilled, understood, vibrant, motivated, and satisfied. "The most important foundation of strength and connection for a couple is feeling like your partner sees and thinks the best of you," Finkel says.

Research shows that a marriage can be one of the most important social relationships adults choose to maintain, especially if it’s a choice made out of positive emotion, passion, and love. Being in a loving marriage offers both partners a critical resource for emotional support, leading to a reduction in depression and anxiety.

When you aren’t in a satisfying relationship, the opposite takes place. You need more emotional support or intimacy that your partner is not providing, which can hurt the relationship. Additional studies indicate that when a marriage becomes a source of stress, it not only fails to enhance your emotional well-being but also contributes to functional impairment and depressive symptoms.

The Relationship Only Works If Nothing Changes

Relationships change over time, and while your partner might have been perfect during a specific phase of your life, you may discover that your relationship doesn’t quite fit anymore.

For example, you married your high school sweetheart and instead of growing together, you grew apart. One of you stays the same, while your partner changes to a point where the relationship no longer works.

That said, relationships don't work well if everything stays the same. Ideally, your relationship is adaptable enough to flow with the inevitable changes of life.“Most humans like familiarity and predictability, even if what’s predictable and familiar is crappy or painful," Montague explains. "At least we know what to expect and how to deal with it."

If you fear challenging your relationship with a conversation, a big truth, or a new situation, Montague recommends reflecting. In a mutually loving and respectful relationship, both parties are willing to put in effort to make it work, despite how uncomfortable it may be. “You’re committed to growing alongside each other,” she says. “You champion each other’s growth and values, and feel grateful for them.”

When a partner doesn’t care about the quality of the relationship, it shows up as apathy. “They ignore, avoid, and tell you they won’t work on it,” she adds.

Is the Love Gone or Is It Different?

Since relationships change over time, inevitably, the love and intimacy you share with your partner can change too.

For example, your relationship may have evolved and transmuted into a more comfortable, reliable, and steady partnership known as compassionate love. But it lost the passion—the excitement, fire, and lust—that brought you together in the first place. However, that doesn't mean that your partner doesn't love you or the relationship.

Furthermore, not every relationship fits the traditional or sensationalized notions of romantic love. Some partners prefer a reliable and caring connection instead of fireworks or grand gestures and that's perfectly OK. People have different values and preferences for romantic relationships, and it's important to know what you want and need. It's okay to choose the type of partnership that feels right for you with mutual agreement and acceptance.

If this setup meets everyone's needs and feels satisfying in the long run, go for it. Just be certain you’re not settling for something you don't want or need. “It’s not always harmful to keep the status quo, especially if both people feel okay about it,” Montague says. “Good enough is good enough. That’s a fine choice.”

Coping With Changes to Your Relationship

"Growth is important in a relationship because it deepens the bond between both members," Finkel says. "Part of growth is the hope that the relationship strengthens because of it, although it does break some."

When we fall in love, we accept each other for who we are. But it's impossible to expect we will stay the same. As time passes, your needs, preferences, and dealbreakers will change to the point where you feel like a different person. For any relationship to work, it's important to communicate growing differences to rebuild common ground or build bridges to understand and support one another through growth and shifts.

“It’s scary to bring things up that you want to change in your relationship or if you’re having difficult feelings,” Montague says. However, speaking about your issues shows you care about the relationship and yourself.

She recommends sharing your feelings and worries out loud. You can even tell your partner you’re scared about the conversation. Being vulnerable and open about your emotions is never a bad thing. Just remember to use "I" statements and keep the conversation on your feelings instead of listing what’s wrong with the other person.

To improve communication and connection, a relationship check-in can be a constructive space to assess the health of the relationship. This also helps you see if your marriage of convenience can grow and transform into a marriage that works for you. Here's how you can set up your next talk:

• Set an intention: You can't solve the state of your relationship in one conversation. For each check-in, structure out what you hope to address. Maybe one week you want to build a better connection and show your appreciation, and the next, you want to bring up an offhand comment they made that hurt you. Everything is fair game, in small steps.
• Agree to guidelines: If you want to put everything on the table and say your honest thoughts out loud, you have to feel safe. You can't feel punished, judged, minimized, or dismissed. This looks like establishing ground rules on what it means to actively listen, validate, ask open-ended questions, and show what it means to hear the other person's perspective—no matter how hard it feels in the moment.
• No distractions: Put away electronics and any distractions, and find a quiet location indoors or somewhere in nature for your talk. It's vital to put in the effort to show you're both giving your undivided attention.
• Consistency: Check-ins work best when it's used as a long-term tool. Plus, it shows you both have integrity and faith in the relationship. Set aside an hour each month or once a week if you're going through an ongoing issue.
• Aftercare:Instead of rushing off to take care of the kids or going off to see your friends, create a buffer where you can mutually unwind together. This could look like journaling, cuddling and talking, or connecting over a meal at your favorite restaurant together. This helps deepen your closeness and allows for integration and more reflections to be shared when you're feeling relaxed and connected.

When It’s Time to Leave

If you’ve tried talking to your partner about your relationship and there's no progress towards a resolution or compromise on critical issues, it may be time to end things. If you're not finding change in a time when you need it or your partner is unwilling to make things work, then you must do something differently to find the change you are seeking.

“It’s not uncommon for people in a relationship to feel differently," says Montague. "One person may want to move on; the other doesn’t. You can’t control the other person’s experience of the relationship. You hold your truth and keep your boundaries, communicate clearly with compassion, and respect their feelings and position without changing yours.”

Finkel agrees, adding that it's important to give yourself grace for not noticing the flaws in the marriage sooner.

"Sometimes, we convince ourselves that these relationships are worth the compromises they take," she says. "However, over time we see that we're unable to truly overlook any glaring deficits in our relationships."

Help and Support

Ending a relationship, especially a long-term one, is tough. But with the right support, you'll process lessons learned, persevere, heal, and bounce back. Montague recommends sharing your feelings with your friends and family, particularly those who have had long-lasting relationships. Their unique experiences will help you properly grieve the relationship and eventually find closure.

“Hold onto hope that you will get through it," she says. "That you’ll grow, learn your strengths, know yourself better and what you want in relationships, and that you are creating space for a new relationship to emerge eventually."

Keep in Mind

The person we marry is one of the most important decisions we can make. Once you've made the commitment, everything changes; from where you live, what kind of community you have, the work you do, how you spend money, the values you share with your loved ones, and the progress you make in your lifetime. Remember to think carefully about your partner and the relationship you want. Make the decision count.